From the Front Porch
Two phone calls. Same week. Both over an hour. Both with friends going through hard times.
First call was with Tom. His marriage was falling apart. Real crisis. He was scared, confused, didn't know what to do.
We talked for 90 minutes. He asked hard questions. I asked some back. We sat in the uncomfortable silence together. By the end, he didn't have all the answers, but he had a next step.
I hung up exhausted. But I also felt... useful. Connected. Like I'd actually helped someone I cared about work through something real.
Second call was three days later. Different friend, let's call him Brian. Also going through something hard. Also needed to talk.
But fifteen minutes in, I realized: This was the same conversation we'd had last month. And the month before that. Same complaints. Same situation. Same refusal to do anything about it.
I wasn't helping him process. I was just his audience. Again.
I hung up after an hour and felt completely hollow. Not tired in a good way. Just... empty.
Both conversations looked identical from the outside. Both were me "being there" for a friend. Both required emotional energy. Both left me exhausted.
But one filled me up. The other drained me dry.
That's when I understood: The difference between a drain and a gain isn't the effort. It's whether the energy you give actually goes somewhere.
Tom was doing the work. I was helping him move forward. That's energy well spent.
Brian was venting into the void. I was enabling him to stay stuck. That's energy wasted.
Same exhaustion. Completely different return.
A Hard Truth
The difference between a drain and a gain isn't obvious. That's the problem.
Both can look like helping. Both can feel like obligation. Both leave you tired.
The real difference? Direction.
Energy drains are circular. You give, nothing moves. Same conversation next month. Same problem. Same stuck person asking for the same advice they won't take.
Energy gains are linear. You give, something moves forward. The person grows. The project advances. You change. They change.
Drains take your energy and disappear it into a void.
Gains take your energy and turn it into something that builds.
You can't tell the difference in the moment. You can only tell by what happens after.
If you'd do it again tomorrow, it was a gain.
If the thought of doing it again makes you want to hide, it was a drain.
Today's Shift
The Depletion Test Framework:
Step 1: The 24-Hour Rule
You can't tell if something was a drain or a gain in the moment. You have to wait.
After any activity that leaves you tired, ask yourself 24 hours later: "Would I do that again?"
Not "should I" or "do I have to." Would I?
If the answer is yes, even though it was hard, it was a gain.
If the answer makes you want to hide, it was a drain.
Step 2: Track the Direction
For one week, notice what moves forward after you spend energy on it.
Did that conversation lead somewhere? Did that effort create momentum? Did that relationship deepen?
Or did everything stay exactly the same?
Movement = gain. Stagnation = drain.
Step 3: The Pattern Recognition
Look back at your last week. List everything that left you exhausted.
Mark each one: Gain or drain?
You'll see a pattern. You're probably spending 80% of your energy on drains and 20% on gains.
Now you know what needs to flip.
What's Next
Tomorrow: The Compound Effect - You've identified your drains and gains.
Now here's what most people miss: Energy gains don't just fill you up once. They create momentum that builds on itself. I'll show you why small energy investments create exponential returns, and why most people quit right before they see them compound.
Bottom Line
Tom and I still talk regularly. Those conversations still exhaust me. But I always walk away feeling more connected, more clear, more myself.
Brian? I had to let that go. Not because I don't care. Because I was funding something that would never grow.
You're going to be tired either way. Choose the exhaustion that fills you up.
— Damien
